Flowers always brighten my day and lift my spirit. Well, almost always. But not on this particular day. I'd purchased flowers in order to make a flower arrangement for the upcoming Sogetsu ikebana exhibit. As a student and teacher of this Japanese art of flower arranging, I was both invited and expected to participate in the exhibition. I am usually excited to take part. However, I had just returned from seeing another "-ologist" and the doctor gave me the news that I have yet another chronic diagnosis.
The sadness that overwhelmed me made it seem impossible to keep this exhibition commitment. I held little desire to even look at the flowers that now sat in a bucket in the laundry room. As if deep sadness wasn't enough to deal with, I began to hear the little committee in my head arguing with me about being dependable and about not feeling sorry for myself. Feelings of guilt began rising up in me...
The committee won the argument. I packed up my supplies and flowers and headed my car to the exhibit where the other Sogetsu artists had began assembling their arrangements. Once I was at the venue, I unpacked my supplies and began sorting through the flowers and palm leaves that I had brought to work with. It was not long before I discovered that one of the gerbera daisies was broken. The stem was snapped just a couple of inches below the blossom.
Just when I thought the arrangement was complete, I looked over at the short, stubby remains of the gerbera daisy. I sighed. It sort of reminded me of myself ~ broken just beneath the surface. Like the daisy, I was holding a bright face toward the world. None of my fellow artists would have imaged how upset the news I'd received that morning about my health was affecting me. My eyes began to fill with tears. I picked up the little broken flower and it spoke to my heart. I then placed it low in the flower arrangement. There was a special place for that flower.
For Your Reflection ~
Where/how do the wounded or broken parts of me fit into the world - my relationships, daily commitments, etc.?
How has it been helpful (or not) to hide the emotional effects of my diagnosis?
What opportunities does my brokenness offer me? Or others?
When I am depressed or feeling un-well, what/who do I avoid that could help lift my spirit? What is behind my resistance to those potentially life-giving supports?
Share your thoughts and wonderings with others by clicking the "comment" link below.
Too often we throw away broken items quickly without listening to them. I know that I do. Your words touched me deeply. The broken shards within me hurt more at some times than others, more intensely at some times than others. They also help me at times to step back, as you did, and reflect on the wonders that surround me. They often help me have a soft spot for others in pain, and for people whose stories I don't know. Sometimes I tuck in my head and heart like a turtle, but mostly I go to those I love and receive their comfort. Your image of your broken daisy will stay with me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a lovely reflection and beautiful floral design. I love to listen to the plant material as it "speaks" and participates in the arrangement.
ReplyDeleteI was deeply touched by the story. It made me look back and remember how my husband tried and did hide a lot of his pain during his fight with cancer.
ReplyDeleteO how I wish he had let me share more of his fight. I could have comforted him more and maybe been able to lessen his load.
I truly believe that when we have burdens to bear that it helps to share them with another. It not only helps the one with the burden, but those who love them and so desperately want to help in anyway they can.
The flower arrangement is beautiful.
Ruth, I feel this tension within myself as well. We gain so much wisdom walking this kind of journey and can't go back to apply the lessons learned to the circumstance that made us so wise. Just sharing your words here may help another to make a difference in the moment. Thank you.
DeleteI am deeply moved by the "tears" coming from the daisy. Can't seem to stop looking at it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful arrangement and a touching telling of your experience. And it's amazing how pleased I was that you found a place for the broken flower.
ReplyDeleteYour question about what do I avoid that helps me when I'm depressed reslly resonated. I know physical excercise or making art help, but many times it seems too hard to push myself to help myself. Then I berate myself and the spiral begins. This is good to "ponder" on and try to come up to a solution for the next really down time.
Thank you, Michelle. I'm certainly sorry about another chronic diagnosis for you. I'm having a physical problem myself right now that is chronic and I'm very tired of dealing with it and resentful that I have to. Those are the bad days. On the good days, I just deal with it and don't let it stop me from doing what I want to do in a modified way.
Thank you Pat.
DeleteWhat a beautiful relation to a broken flower to physical feelings, and even emotional feelings of being broken. How often do we try to hide such feelings, fighting them, burying them...yet it is when we acknowledge them and accepting that it is okay to feel that way at that moment! Just embracing them, as well as being able to share with others brokenness, because we are never own in our battle and how community offers such armor in these times. It truly offers opportunities of healing.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, writing is truly your gift ( and of course flower arranging...what a stunning arrangement!)
Xo
Thank you Shanelle. Ahhhhh the word "community' reminds me of the wonderful gift of my church family and the 'small groups' that I belong to. I'm fortunate that my health issues don't always keep me from them. And when my health does, special people do reach out to me. Too often I hide the truth...but I'm working on being better at how I "really" feel.
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